The Kal-Elephant in the room...

So without further ado, let's just get something out in the open.

I hate Superman.

A real, tangible, spit-inducing hatred. Hatred literally billowing, gushing even, from every pore. A thick fog of ire so impenetrable, you could probably protect yourself from light-to-medium puncture wounds with it. Pungent, bilious, face-melting disdain. Not a fan.

It’s baffling on both sides of the coin. Superman acolytes don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t prostrate themselves in front of him and I can’t believe anyone can stand to spend more than two minutes reading about the most self-righteous, self-important and dull hero created in the history of heroes. If your flagship character is impervious to basically everything ever (conventional weapons, unconventional weapons, Jedi mind tricks, the films of Uwe Boll) except Kryptonite and magic, I imagine you’re going to find yourself in some tricky narrative spots. Basically every Superman villain is reduced to trying to find yet another different colour Kryptonite or has to resort to confounding him with sleight of hand and card tricks until they can escape. Add to that the seemingly endless new powers they kept giving him (flying and the whole super-strength thing I get because science, but x-ray vision? Laser eyes? Freezing breath? Even the super hearing is a push unless he had the bones in his ears replaced with muscles or something) and you’re just being lazy. The films were the worst for this. The less said about that weird cellophane S logo he pulled off his chest when he was fighting Zod et al, the better.  If you enjoy watching people scramble around trying to find evidence to justify their own beliefs and opinions please attempt to have a conversation around this topic with a Superman fan; you won’t be disappointed.

That brings me to my real point; movies. Nice segue. (Shut up, it made sense to me).

I enjoyed Man of Steel. Yes, I am one of the three who did. I did not however, enjoy Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. I’ll deal with that later, first things first.

Man of Steel was perhaps the least Superman Superman there was. This is probably why I liked it and the fan boys/girls hated it. Less pompous, less annoying and how can you not like a Superman willing to snap a few necks to get the job done? It’s not the greatest movie ever made but it’s at least coherent. I mean, you’d hate to be the Mayor of Metropolis after all that; the clear up alone is going to probably take a couple of weeks at least and your electorate has probably halved. Crime rates are going to sky rocket with all the looting… Anyway, I digress.

It’s a popcorn movie, a blockbuster. Blocks, one can safely assume, were busted. Stuff blows up. The bad guys are actual bad guys. There’s a hero, a bunch of fighting, more stuff blows up and all’s well that ends well. Except for business owners in the downtown Metropolis area, but let’s try and stay focussed. It sets up at least one sequel, establishes a certain style, and Superman isn’t a complete and utter dick. The fact I sat through it all and at no point wanted to launch popcorn/Galaxy Minstrels/my oversized Coke/grenades at the screen is probably a testament to that.

People whinged about the colours; too dark, too dull, too washed out. Well yes, it was all those things, but that’s not really a criticism is it? If you genuinely think the colour scheme is one of the most recognisable and laudable things about Superman, you’re making my argument for me so thanks, I guess. Besides I’m colour-blind so welcome to my world you insensitive jerks. People whinged about the suit; to all intents and purposes not classic Superman. There’s a country song that talks about not stepping on his cape but apparently that cape has to be velveteen and tailored sometime around 1930 or woe betide you. The whole “S means hope” malarkey I could have done without, but it’s by far not the worst example of that sort of bullshittery (it’s a word!*) that I’ve seen. Mostly though, people whinged that Superman kills Zod.

SPOILER ALERT: I don’t do spoiler alerts.

My word, people got upset that Zod died. So upset. Toys across the internet were simultaneously launched out of prams. It became A Thing. Zack Snyder probably had to employ bodyguards. Well, more than usual seeing as I think Alan Moore is probably still gunning for him after Watchmen. He certainly had to defend himself online. I say balls to that sir! You stick to your guns Zack, no matter what those bastards say about you! Superman was quite happily murdering the ever-loving shit out of gangsters issue after issue in his initial outings. It’s only more recently he’s become this shining beacon of morality. I imagine that sort of lifestyle re-appraisal tends to happen when you can easily pulp a man’s face between your thumb and forefinger. All-in-all I thought it worked; there are precious few moments where killing another living being makes you better person; Assassin, state sanctioned Executioner, terminally boring Superhero. There are probably others, but let’s not go crazy.

My only regret is that at no point did Zod instruct anyone to kneel before him. Missed a trick there Snyder, you hack.

*It’s really not a word. Yet…