The Knight is Darkest before the Dawn... of Justice. Part 2.

Quick recap: I have not been kind to Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice. Against my very nature and all better judgement however I have admitted it isn't all Superman's fault. That was even slightly painful to write.

Batman, in this movie, is a tool. Not just a plot device type of tool (although I wouldn’t argue against that terribly hard); more like a ‘just stepped off the set of a reality TV show’ tool. It started so well; nothing reintroduces a beloved character quite so well as a savage beating and Bat-branding (use Bat Brand Branding Irons! The ONLY Brand with a Bat!) but when it actually comes to fighting Superman, a terrifying threat to humanity that must be stopped, he just sort of casually loses the plot. Which means he’s in the same place as everyone else, so at least we're all caught up.

Let's examine the facts. We know that Batman has access to high-end, even prototypical military spec equipment, weaponry, vehicles and gadgets. We know money is basically no object and neither is the Human Rights Act. He starts out pretty well, actually; acquiring yourself the only substance known to potentially harm your opponent is a wise move. Using a sonic emitter is a wise move. Super hearing plus super noise probably equals super discomfort. Fashioning Kryptonite into a weaponised inhalant is nothing short of genius. So far, so World's Greatest Detective. Until we come to Batman's master plan. His Coup De Grace. His ultimate weapon.

His fucking spear.

Now I use that profanity knowingly because this is perhaps the dumbest thing I have ever born witness to and I paid money to see all of Michael Bay's Transformers movies (I am that guy). Repeat it to yourself a couple of times: Batman makes a Kryptonite spear. An actual, real life "fishing in the Amazon" style spear. Now, correct my logic if it seems wrong; if I had access to all that tech, a giant lump of potentially toxic space rock and I needed to make a super weapon, a spear would probably be way far down the list, if it was even on it at all. Imagine yourself, as we all have, in Batman's shoes. You've just successfully made a Superman repellent aerosol and your next thought is literally to chisel the remaining aforementioned space rock into a spear tip and bolt it onto the nearest Bat Broom-handle? Alfred at this point has either given up caring or has decided to encourage you to the point that your untimely death frees him from indentured servitude.

A spear.

I'm no weapons expert, but I feel like he may have overlooked a number of options here. You could make Kryptonite tipped .50 calibre rounds, Kryptonite loaded claymore mines, Kryptonite grenades. Basically any of a number of munitions designed to make the Man of Steel into A Cloud of Mist. Why not go the whole hog and make the Kryptonite inhalant that you already have actually lethal rather than the equivalent of a really short-lived hangover? Not only that, but for some unfathomable reason, Batman then decides to plant his spear in the ground, fixing it to the spot thus necessitating he bring the fight back to said spot at some point. So if Superman decides to grab our beloved Bats, fly even half a mile outside of the city limits and decides to go toe-to-toe out in the sticks, the entire plan goes down the pan. Dullard.

And yet, somehow, we save the best for last.

I appreciate that when you have two comic book icons slugging it out, it’s going to be difficult to find a conclusion that’s satisfying to everyone. Dramatically, perhaps vaporising Superman with artillery is not the best way to advance the plot or set the foundation for further sequels. If he has to die, which apparently he does, then leaving something more corporeal than a sticky mess does give you options. Likewise, having Batman folded into a crumpled heap of pulped organs when you’ve only just rebooted him is not going to win you any friends at Warner Bros. So I really do understand that ending this fight was always going to be a touch tricky. Having said all that, what we got was 97% proof, almost pure, barely diluted cringe.

Save Martha. Ye Gods.

That’s literally the consensus best idea the writers had. They went off into their respective writing sheds, put pen to paper and came up with that. I can only assume one of them was reading some comics and had the following earth-shattering epiphany:

“Both their Mums are called Martha? I can use this!”

So we have Batman, who up to this point has been portrayed as teetering dangerously close to the edge of sanity, branding bad guys (which is apparently a death sentence in prison), turning henchmen into greasy stains with the Batmobile and vowing to murder seven shades out of Superman if there’s even a 1% chance he’s a threat. He’s improbably managed to drag his foe to where he’s stashed his Bat Spear (of course!) and it’s basically game over. But wait! Superman musters enough strength to ask the guy trying to kill him to save his Mum (because that makes sense); Batman has a sudden panic attack when confronted by the name of his own long-dead Mother (totally reasonable); Lois Lane randomly appears to explain the writer’s awful decision and everyone decides this is all a bit silly and they should be best mates. Abomination from Marvel’s Incredible Hulk movie turns up to make random bits of scenery explode, Xena; Warrior Princess makes a rare cameo as Plot Device To Save Batman From The Corner He Was Written Into and I die a little inside.

I’m not entirely naïve. I know the spear is there so Superman can go down heroically fighting Doomsday and you aren't left scrambling around trying to work out what to do with two indestructible beings on the planet at once. I know that the whole Martha thing is there to forge a link between the two protagonists and realise that they’re both more human and similar than each other previously thought. I know Wonder Woman is there because Lois Lane and Martha Kent are so woefully written that they need some sort of Strong Female Lead to balance things out. I know these things, but this movie is so terrible that at this point I just don’t care.

Apparently the ultimate edition makes loads more sense and is actually watchable. Dragging myself through all this again is something I'm not sure I have the strength for just yet.

Seriously though. A fucking spear.