Momentous occasions require auspicious beginnings and just such an occasion is unveiling itself right before your eyes. After having previously stated I don't do spoiler warnings, I have relented, back-tracked if you will and changed my mind. My resistance to the Mind Probe would be basically non-existent; you'd find me in the prison block happily spilling my guts before the thing had even been called for. No apologies; no regrets. Mainly this is because up until now I've been talking about films that have been and gone from the cinemas and there's been enough time passed that if you haven't seen them yet, you've had ample opportunity and that isn't my look out. However, if you haven't seen Rogue One: A Star Wars Story yet, then read this post and proceed to bitch about spoilers then please feel free to metaphorically launch yourself into the Pit of Carkoon and think about what you've done. That's as polite a warning as you're going to get.
I was genuinely looking forward to this movie. Force Awakens was a bit of a dud for me, but this actually looked like it might be a decent little excursion into the greater Star Wars Universe. The trailer was pretty good too; who doesn't want to see AT-ATs storming a beach? True to current form however some of the cooler parts of the trailer never made it into the film, but mercifully neither did some of the cheesier dialogue. "This is a rebellion isn't it? I rebel!" Whatever you say Jyn, at least you haven't got "troublemaker" tattooed on your forehead so that's something. Sadly, the trailer promised much more than we actually ended up getting.
The first thing that struck me was that there was no scroll at the beginning. Now while I realise I fully rounded on Force Awakens for being a mushy little amalgam of other bits of Star Wars movies, there are some things that really you ought to have. It's not the worst thing in the world obviously, but it just didn't sit right. The next thing that struck me bothered me throughout the next two and a bit hours.
They didn't use John Williams' score.
Arguably one of the most iconic film scores of all time, instantly recognisable and guaranteed to get the old nostalgic juices flowing. Let's face it: all these movies are is an exercise in nostalgia, so why on earth would you use anything other than the classic score? Worse even than that, they seem to have sort of cribbed from it so you get the first couple of notes and your brain says "yeah buddy, Star Wars!". Then it turns into something utterly different and your brain sneaks out for more popcorn and you're left wondering what the hell happened.
In fact the whole affair just doesn't sound right. It looks like a Star Wars movie; the overall design is pretty good and apparently they used some of the original costumes. I can't fathom why they felt the need to design a bunch of new ships though other than the inevitable toy sales... oh wait, Disney, marketing, et cetera, et cetera. There's just something odd about the sound. They've re-used the sound of blasters, TIE engines and even the little comms clicks before the Stormtroopers speak, but something just seems off. It's almost like it's too clean, too high definition. Maybe I'm being picky and it's probably not something anyone else even noticed but it really bugged me. It's not the worst thing though.
The cameos. Everyone was expecting Vader and his big scene is the absolute worst (it actually made me snort derisively in the cinema). I'm pretty sure we were expecting R2D2 and C3PO to crop up at some point; mercifully it was only brief. They spliced some footage of the original Red and Gold leaders in which stood out like a sore thumb, but it was a nice nod. What I was not expecting was Grand Moff Tarkin but honestly, it was a pleasant surprise. Considering Peter Cushing has been dead since 1994, his digital likeness was really pretty good. The voice was wrong (I told you I had issues with the sound of this thing; I wasn't joking) but I thought it was a pretty stand-out technical achievement.
Vader on the other hand, sucked.
It's hard to name a more iconic Sci-Fi villain. Hell, its hard to imagine a more iconic villain full-stop. It's equally hard to imagine why the scriptwriters clearly have nothing but disdain for him as a character. Bypassing the fact he appears to be engaged in some sort of weird cross-franchise time-share of Mount Doom with Sauron, we're re-introduced initially while he's in the bath (I kid you not) followed by a frankly hokey Bram Stoker's Dracula style shadow reveal. They dragged James Earl Jones back in to provide Vader's dulcet tones but when you're delivering lines of this low calibre, then I don't care who you are. I'd have never have expected the single most cringe worthy moment in any Star Wars movie so far to go to Vader but lo and behold, I find myself constantly at a loss.
They give Darth Vader a pun.
I'm not even kidding. A fully formed pun. Darth Vader, after giving Director Krennic a bit of a Force Choke warning shot, straight up drops a pun.
"Be careful not to choke on your aspirations!" or words to that effect.
I wish I was joking. I wish that with one fell swoop they hadn't reduced the Universe's most menacing Agent of Evil into a crappy Bond villain. All he needs is a swivel chair and a white cat and his journey towards SPECTRE is complete. Ernst Stavros Vader sounds better than Darth Blofeld, but even so the effect is comparable. It's not even a good pun. It's not clever or witty. It's also accompanied by this weird hand gesture which has all the majesty and gravitas of an awkward teenager attempting his first gang sign. What's next, a fist bump with Palpatine? Awkward is probably the best way to describe Vader in this movie. Even at the end when he's rampaging through the rebels his gestures look odd and if you'll pardon my own shit punning, forced.
I'm basically done with the new Star Wars movies now. I was always concerned they would be superfluous and I think I've been proven right. They'll continue to make shed loads of money though so prepare yourself for a whole bunch more. Han Solo is getting his own movie, which if this is anything to go by will basically be the Muppet Babies in space where Boba Fett, Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt are old school chums who fall out over some stolen lunch money. Rumours abound that Yoda will get an origin story, which unless it takes the form of a nature documentary in the swamps of Dagobah narrated by David Attenborough I refuse to touch with a barge pole.
The predominantly good thing about Rogue One is that they all die in the end so at least they can't keep regurgitating the same crappy characters.
Told you there'd be spoilers.
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