I've spouted off about remakes and reboots a couple of times; depending on how cynical you are, it's either because I have serious issues letting go of stuff or it's because of the sheer proliferation of them at the moment. It's actually a little from column A, a little from column B. Besides, the whole point of being here is that I vent my spleen so if I didn't have a problem with something I may as well just pack it in now and go off and do something more productive.
Despite outward appearances, I don't always let myself get wound up. I'm a relatively balanced individual. Consider, if you will, the new Power Rangers movie. Frankly, it looks horrible. It looks like they've made the same bland design choices and gone with the gritty, edgy, 'indistinguishable from a host of other poorly conceived action movies' style, aimed nominally at teenagers but realistically is probably just trying to re-engage the 30 somethings so they buy action figures for their kids. Generalised ranting aside, I don't really care; I wasn't terribly invested in the original series because I think I'd moved past the 'impressed by bright colours and poorly choreographed martial arts' stage and was fully ensconced in the 'hate things because it's cool to hate things' that I happily acknowledge I basically haven't moved on from. I just don't hate it enough to let it bother me. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles didn't wind me up at all and despite having a slew of arguments with basically everyone about it, I found the first one pretty enjoyable. The sequel had loads of potential, but I watched it twice and still don't really remember what happened (which I'm assured has nothing to do with the amount I get hit in the head, although I do get hit in the head a lot). But still, not mad about it.
As I'm sure you will have predicted though, there are plenty that send me into a teeth-gnashing, foaming at the gums, expletive ridden apoplexy. Star Wars we know about, Ghostbusters has been bandied about plenty and I'm still preparing my body for the bile-soaked shitstorm that post is going to be; Ghost in the Shell actually made me sneer at the trailer. Full blown, curled-lip, cartoon sneer. I stopped short of snarling but only because even I have limits.
I have my reasons of course, which are always well considered and completely valid. It usually revolves around the remake being pointless. Obviously, no movie is completely pointless; 90+ percent of the time the point is to make an insane amount of cash over the top of the already insane amount of cash the studio forked out to make it happen. At the risk of sounding like some Quinoa-fuelled, hipster, art college drop out there has to be some sort of thematic, cinematic or artistic point, surely? Even if the point of that is to just blow a bunch of stuff up in a delightfully wanton fashion. Keep in mind that I don't ask for much other than that, so when I say a remake is pointless it's usually because the original movie pretty much satisfies those basic criteria. Did we need another Star Wars movie? Particularly when Force Awakens was effectively a clone of its own predecessors? Did we need another Total Recall or Robocop? Fun as they were, I'm going to go with a no. What we really don't need is an Americanisation of The Best Action Movie Ever Filmed. Please remember that this is a hyperbole free zone; be sure to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times, they may literally get broken off.
If you haven't seen The Raid, why have you not seen The Raid? Genuinely, I have less respect for you now. I mean, if you were trapped in a fire and I could reasonably help I would, but if you asked me to pick up some stuff for you at the shops you can swivel. I feel very strongly about this, as you can tell.
There's no such thing as the perfect movie, obviously, but this is pretty close. It's fast, it's frantic and it's relentless. I don't want to ruin it, but you might never look at a fluorescent light bulb in the same way again. I don't know a single person who's seen it who hasn't loved it, so why remake it less than a decade after the original? Don your cynical hats ladies and gentlemen...
Honestly I feel like it's because there are subtitles. This is apparently one of the most offensive and unacceptable things known to your average American cinema patron. Either they can't read them or chose not to because let's face it, only a half-baked mad man would make a movie in a language other than English, right? Even if we ignore the ever-so-slightly racist overtones inherent in remaking movies for the American market, the dialogue in The Raid is literally the last thing you should be worried about. Yeah, there's a plot, but such as it is it's really only there segue from one set face-punching to the next. Or spleen-kicking or eye-gouging or whatever. They don't subtitle the grunts or squelches so maybe I'm just busting my own argument wide open. That opens a whole bunch of unsavoury worms though and I'd rather not worry about whether or not America is so racist it couldn't possible get behind a film from anywhere other than the good old USA. Frankly I'd prefer to believe that it just that it didn't make a shed load of money the first time round but when it became a cult hit some exec somewhere took notice so they're going to cast The Rock and milk it till it's proverbial teats are dry and withered. I'd rather just sit back, relax and feast my eyes on what is a beautifully orchestrated symphony of violence.
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