All good things, Ladies and Gentlemen, must come to an end. In fact even mediocre and tragic things must come to an end actually so that saying's just plain stupid. Whether it's to rapturous applause from the assembled masses or to muted scoffs from darkened corners, we all end up moving on from things we love and on to pastures new. The best we can hope for is that we don't overstay our welcome and leave people wanting more rather than cursing us for jumping the shark. Personally, I intend to jump as few sharks as possible; it looks dangerous and I can't imagine the effort of setting all that up is worth the pay-off. Where would you even get a live shark from? Other than the ocean, smart ass, just admit neither of us know.
So back to my rambling-as-usual point, time has been called. The gig is up. Exit stage left. It's been a decent run, ups and downs and all that, but it is ultimately the end.
Hugh Jackman has played Wolverine for the last time.
Bait.
And.
Switch.
Now while I'm not going anywhere (figuratively or literally), he is and while I'm not all misty-eyed and fighting back plaintive cries of despair it does seem like a good time to do some sort of retrospective on that particular adamantium-filled body of work. If you include even the short cameos, that's 8 movies by my reckoning and although they're not all instant classics (some of them barely pass muster as background noise) there's some decent stuff in there somewhere. This is likely to end up a two-parter (there's only so much I expect people to put up with my rambling in one sitting. I'm not a complete monster) so let's look at the X-Movies first, shall we? We shall.
X-Men was a decent first attempt. Marvel have basically nailed the ensemble superhero movie model (whether that makes for overly similar plots across the franchises now is up for debate) but this isn't Marvel and it was one of the first in the New Wave of Comic Book movies. It wasn't perfect by a long chalk. Mostly I think that came down to the bad guys; Ian McKellen was just OK as Magneto (yeah I said it, come at me), but Toad is a bit part player and the only reason he's there is because everyone wanted more Ray Park after he took the piss out of gravity in Star Wars The Phantom Trade Negotiations. Sabretooth looked OK but did effectively sweet F.A. predominantly I assume because the actor they got to play him was a failed wrestler with all the acting chops that last job title implies. Mystique is a random and hilarious excuse to show off Rebecca Romijn's butt because it's clearly too much effort to give her a dress. Or trousers. Or a jumper. At least she's blue. They did get the X-Men pretty close though. Cyclops is a dick, Jean Grey worked well enough, Patrick Stewart may as well have been the person they modelled Xavier on in the comics. Rogue was way off mind you, but at least they gave her a wardrobe full of clothes rather than tins of paint. Jackman nailed Wolverine though, even if he is a foot too tall and from the wrong country. It's the exact same plot as about a million other action movies, mind you but we didn't care at the time probably thanks to a heady combination of
X-Men 2 had Nightcrawler in it but frankly that's all I remember. I think it's the one where they team up with Magneto to stop William Stryker from doing something pantomime-esque. Is this the one with all the Wolverine flashbacks. No wait, they're all the one with the Wolverine flashbacks.
X-Men 3: The Last Stand I remember and I remember it being gash. It's the old standard "take the mutant powers of the mutants" plot that gets wheeled out on every Saturday morning cartoon series ever. Two noteworthy moments: Cyclops buys the farm well early on principally because James Marsden is much less charismatic than your average bath sponge, let alone Housewives' Favourite Mr. Jackman, but nominally because only Wolverine can save us all or something. Which leads to hilarious stupidity moment two where the awesome destructive powers of the Dark Phoenix are not match for Wolverine's healing powers, which have seemingly not transferred to the top half of his jumpsuit but have in fact rendered the lower half as indestructible as he is. This of course spares us the awkward sight of Wolverine's junk alternating between being burnt to a crisp and regenerating proudly, which I can only assume was a decision made as a committee by the FX team who probably didn't relish the prospect of drawing that many members, charred or otherwise. Plus, all the tension created by Magneto being hoisted by his own petard and losing his powers is all just shot down in the after-credits scene, somewhat akin to the end of Batman vs Superman. When will they ever learn? They won't. They never do.
X-Men First Class was a significantly better movie and as far as re-boots go, actually they did pretty well. There's a weird mix of ret-conning and familiar flashbacks, especially for Magneto because this is really his movie (it probably should have been called How Magneto Gets His Helmet). It's meant to be an X-Men origin, but really they don't give us anyone to give a monkeys about. Insect Girl (not her real name) turns traitor at the mere sniff of adversity, Darwin (who?) shows off a bit and then heroically gets annihilated and nobody cares, Beast is Ok, Mystique is there, but it's not really a classic X-Men line up by comic or movie standards. Wolverine gets a 15 second cameo, but it's probably the most enjoyable part of the movie. Michael Ironside getting in there too as a Navy Captain to pay off his latest mortgage instalment. Good man.
Days of Future Past was just weird. Two time lines, two Professor Xs, two Magnetos, too much going on. Time travel is tricky, partially because it seems literally nobody in Hollywood actually knows even the slightest thing about it. Not really. That's the thing with theoretical physics; it's incredibly easy to just make up any old crap and hope for the best. I assume it was pure a marketing thing to have Wolverine go back in time rather than Kitty Pride as in the comics, and that was a wise choice I think. I'm kind of in two minds about the whole Superhero genre at the moment; quite a lot of it is being based on marketing not creative integrity which is obviously a bit cynical, but on the other hand that's how the machine works. We can debate the "something is better than nothing" quandary some other time.
So last and almost not least for now, X-Men Apocalypse. Came out at roughly the same time as Captain America: Civil War and sparked a decent amount of debate as to which was better. Frankly, not this one. It's really formulaic, kind of lazy and does absolutely nothing of note with one of the biggest and genuinely threatening bad guys in the Marvel Universe. Here's an example; puts together his little crew of mutant henchmen, wipes out Charles Xavier and gives him his iconic haircut, finally succumbs to the combined powers of friendship, self-belief and something else empowering. Actually, it's more like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters, except with added Dark Phoenix powers that Jean Grey spontaneously develops for the sole purpose of beating Apocalypse having never really mentioned them previously. Apparently that's one of the next movies incoming; can't wait. It's probably the best Wolverine fanboy moment though as we actually get to see the proper Weapon X doing the business. Is the entire movie worth it for that cameo? Not remotely. Is it a nice little scene? Absolutely. They finally got the violence right too, which I can only assume was a studio dry-run for Logan; up until this point we've basically had to make do with Wolverine having Nerf-claws.
So yeah, pretty hit and miss the old X-Men franchise. They're going in the right direction though, I guess. The real question now is: do I have anything other than terrible things to say about Wolverine: Origins?
Cliffhanger...
X-Men 2 had Nightcrawler in it but frankly that's all I remember. I think it's the one where they team up with Magneto to stop William Stryker from doing something pantomime-esque. Is this the one with all the Wolverine flashbacks. No wait, they're all the one with the Wolverine flashbacks.
X-Men 3: The Last Stand I remember and I remember it being gash. It's the old standard "take the mutant powers of the mutants" plot that gets wheeled out on every Saturday morning cartoon series ever. Two noteworthy moments: Cyclops buys the farm well early on principally because James Marsden is much less charismatic than your average bath sponge, let alone Housewives' Favourite Mr. Jackman, but nominally because only Wolverine can save us all or something. Which leads to hilarious stupidity moment two where the awesome destructive powers of the Dark Phoenix are not match for Wolverine's healing powers, which have seemingly not transferred to the top half of his jumpsuit but have in fact rendered the lower half as indestructible as he is. This of course spares us the awkward sight of Wolverine's junk alternating between being burnt to a crisp and regenerating proudly, which I can only assume was a decision made as a committee by the FX team who probably didn't relish the prospect of drawing that many members, charred or otherwise. Plus, all the tension created by Magneto being hoisted by his own petard and losing his powers is all just shot down in the after-credits scene, somewhat akin to the end of Batman vs Superman. When will they ever learn? They won't. They never do.
X-Men First Class was a significantly better movie and as far as re-boots go, actually they did pretty well. There's a weird mix of ret-conning and familiar flashbacks, especially for Magneto because this is really his movie (it probably should have been called How Magneto Gets His Helmet). It's meant to be an X-Men origin, but really they don't give us anyone to give a monkeys about. Insect Girl (not her real name) turns traitor at the mere sniff of adversity, Darwin (who?) shows off a bit and then heroically gets annihilated and nobody cares, Beast is Ok, Mystique is there, but it's not really a classic X-Men line up by comic or movie standards. Wolverine gets a 15 second cameo, but it's probably the most enjoyable part of the movie. Michael Ironside getting in there too as a Navy Captain to pay off his latest mortgage instalment. Good man.
Days of Future Past was just weird. Two time lines, two Professor Xs, two Magnetos, too much going on. Time travel is tricky, partially because it seems literally nobody in Hollywood actually knows even the slightest thing about it. Not really. That's the thing with theoretical physics; it's incredibly easy to just make up any old crap and hope for the best. I assume it was pure a marketing thing to have Wolverine go back in time rather than Kitty Pride as in the comics, and that was a wise choice I think. I'm kind of in two minds about the whole Superhero genre at the moment; quite a lot of it is being based on marketing not creative integrity which is obviously a bit cynical, but on the other hand that's how the machine works. We can debate the "something is better than nothing" quandary some other time.
So last and almost not least for now, X-Men Apocalypse. Came out at roughly the same time as Captain America: Civil War and sparked a decent amount of debate as to which was better. Frankly, not this one. It's really formulaic, kind of lazy and does absolutely nothing of note with one of the biggest and genuinely threatening bad guys in the Marvel Universe. Here's an example; puts together his little crew of mutant henchmen, wipes out Charles Xavier and gives him his iconic haircut, finally succumbs to the combined powers of friendship, self-belief and something else empowering. Actually, it's more like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters, except with added Dark Phoenix powers that Jean Grey spontaneously develops for the sole purpose of beating Apocalypse having never really mentioned them previously. Apparently that's one of the next movies incoming; can't wait. It's probably the best Wolverine fanboy moment though as we actually get to see the proper Weapon X doing the business. Is the entire movie worth it for that cameo? Not remotely. Is it a nice little scene? Absolutely. They finally got the violence right too, which I can only assume was a studio dry-run for Logan; up until this point we've basically had to make do with Wolverine having Nerf-claws.
So yeah, pretty hit and miss the old X-Men franchise. They're going in the right direction though, I guess. The real question now is: do I have anything other than terrible things to say about Wolverine: Origins?
Cliffhanger...
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