Last week was a disappointment in no uncertain terms. Literally nobody wants to watch an aging Bruce Willis drunkenly lurch around a crappy-looking spaceship with a gun that looks like a ten year old made it out of used Coke bottles, fighting a green screen where a terrible lumpen piece of shit monster FX shot will be pasted in post production. At least I dragged myself through it so you don't have to, you're welcome.
In light of that, I decided I'd try and watch something good this week, and as blind luck would have it a package arrived containing something I'd be looking forward to for a while but for some reason never made it to a theatrical or DVD release over here (it was completed in 2017 but went through some major editing shenanigans apparently). I had to order the French release of all things, although it's only the packaging that's not in English so I didn't have to read my way through it or anything.
On a slight tangent before we get into the real meat of things, why are movie studios so intent on sabotaging their own product? I know it's been tricky with all the different regions having different lockdown rules over the last year, but some studios have managed it well and other seem to be not just shooting themselves in the foot, but amputating their whole leg, wrapping it in an ungodly amount of C4 and launching it into their bank accounts before detonating everything in a sticky, pulpy mess. I'm pointing the finger squarely at Mortal Kombat here which was released on HBO Max in the US (much like Zack Snyder's Unjustifiable League) but as yet has no release date in the UK. Now the more resourceful among you will have rushed out to the nearest torrent and downloaded some illegal stream without hesitation, but if you've been here before you know I don't do that sort of thing because I'm a goody-two-shoes. The problem they've given themselves is that now a good deal of the UK market has already seen their movie and probably won't bother forking out actual money to see it in a cinema or on whatever official release medium they go for. How dumb do you have to be movie studio guys?
Anyway... Back to your irregularly scheduled programming.
The film in question is the imaginatively titled Underwater, so named (one presumes) because the entire film is set very much under a lot of water. The plot concerns a deep sea drilling rig at the bottom of the Mariana Trench (Transformers corpses not included) where things go mysteriously pear shaped and our plucky selection of survivors have to make it back to the surface without imploding or succumbing to whatever nasties may or may not be lurking in the unexplored ocean surrounding them. Granted, that's a lot of cliché to swallow in one go, like seawater though a broken regulator, but honestly, what movie isn't nowadays? You either live by the tropes you're given or get accused of overblown bullshittery and pretentiousness. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become M Night Shyamalan.
I will say one thing (actually I'm about to say a bunch of things); this movie does not hang around. Too often thrillers like this spend too long setting things up at the beginning and not enough time getting to the point. Not so Underwater, which throws a lot of its back story into the opening credits (so pay attention kids) and then throws everyone into immediate peril without even stopping to tie its shoelaces. I will happily go on record to say that even though Kirsten Stewart is the main protagonist here, she isn't in mopey Twilight mode and actually comes across quite well as a sort of Tank Girl Lite in Harry Potter glasses. She's very capable but not in an overly-forced "we added her to be woke" type of way that a lot of movies are very guilty of. I am concerned about TJ Miller though because he literally plays the exact same person in every movie he's ever made. He's also allegedly a bit of a dick in real life.
This is a movie that very much wears its influences on the sleeve of its diving suit. There is a lot of Alien DNA in here but it's leaps and bounds better than Prometheus or Covenant. It has that same claustrophobic feel and although it never quite conjures the same level of dread as that space horror classic, it certainly learned the right lessons. Everything is cramped, blacked out, lit by flares, or obscured enough that the fear seems genuine and there's always an injured crew member, leaky bulkhead or rapidly depleting oxygen supply to keep people on their toes. Again, if you wanted to be cynical, you could argue that these tropes are pretty well worn by now but sometimes you just have to let that go and allow yourself to enjoy things. Yes I understand the irony of me saying that. No I won't be taking it back.
I will say I thought he production design was great. The diving suits look like they'd really work, probably because they weighed around 100 pounds each which is nuts for a costume and even though they wisely keep the monsters obscured for the better part of the movie, they look convincing when they do appear and they're just the right side of creepy. I guess the best thing I can say is that none of it ever looked out of place or jarred me out of the story; the best effects are the ones you don't notice.
There is a slight gripe or two (there's always a slight gripe, I should have that on my headstone). There are a couple of points where I lost track of who was where because all the suits were mostly identical and the sets were actually identical (they just picked them up and move them around to look slightly different depending on the characters' location in the story) so everything got a bit fuzzy on occasion, but I pulled myself back in relatively quickly so I shouldn't moan too much. Also, and more critically, it is patently obvious that between the conclusion of filming and the final release, this has been through a number of hands when it comes to editing. The cut itself isn't bad, but there is a niggling feeling that something is going on in the background that isn't really satisfyingly explained. Why, for example, are they drilling in the Mariana Trench in the first place? Motives are teased, but never really followed through, even at the end. The beasties aren't ever really justified much during the relatively short 91 minute run time and it was left to interviews with the director afterwards to confirm the following not terribly spoilery spoiler:
The big bad is Cthulhu.
Once you realise this is all a bit Lovecraft 2050 (not an actual Lovecraft story, but sort of based on one and definitely set in his terribly racist but admittedly imaginative world) the reason they're drilling starts to become painfully clear and all the gaps start to close up a little. Not completely mind you, and going into the movie knowing ol' Squid Face is going to rock up at some point doesn't really change much; I did get the feeling they'd have liked to have explored that angle a little more fully in the original cut, but who knows? The Director doesn't seem to have the same clout as Zack Snyder, so I doubt we'll see a 4 hour redux on HBO Max anytime soon and he's probably busy with the next Paranormal Activity sequel he's somehow found himself lumbered with anyway. Maybe we'll find out the spook in those movies was a Great Old One as well and suddenly you have yourself the most unexpected shared universe since Paul WS Anderson tried to crowbar Soldier (1998? Kurt Russell? Jason Scott Lee? No? Philistines) into the Bladerunner canon. Nice try you hack.
Seeing as you've risked nitrogen psychosis dragging your eyeballs down this far, thanks I guess. I couldn't do any of this without you. I mean, I could. I'm just trying to be nice and make you feel valued.
Facebook and twitter are things. Do a search for Anger In A Man Suit, there is thankfully only one of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment