If there's a bright centre of the universe you're in the movies that they're farthest from...

I can confidently say without hyperbole that I have watched Star War episode IV: A New Hope hundreds of times. People throw claims like that around with abandon, but seldom is it actually the case. When I was a kid we had no digital downloads, no streaming services, no Blu-Ray. We had TV, we had VHS and we made do. We had a bookshelf full of video cassettes with movies and programmes recorded off the television and a little blue indexing box full of cards with details of what was on each tape and more importantly whether or not it could be recorded over. Star Wars was number 5 and it was sacred.

That tape was watched to pieces. To this day I can’t watch Star Wars without instinctively expecting a Maxell advert to follow the wipe that creeps across the screen after Luke finds his family all crispy fried and still smoking in what is ostensibly his front garden. Come to think of it, he’s really calm about that. Barely a flicker, not even a single solitary tear. Brutal. My point however (and there is one, trust me) is that Star Wars was a huge part of my formative years. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it defined my moral code, but I quote it more often than any right-thinking person ought to. That original trilogy of movies is flawed in places, genius in others and rightfully deserves its place in the annals of cinematic history.

Which is why I got really pissed off when they started screwing around with it.

I have an ongoing debate with a very good friend of mine regarding the prequels. It never starts with a very sophisticated argument; I usually a pop at the prequels because I think they were hastily crafted from the CG-augmented turds of a thousand incontinent Tauntauns. He thinks they’re good. While this has never come to blows, it has also never been resolved. It never will be, thanks to both of our mule-like stubbornness and a mutual respect for each other’s opinions despite him being entirely delusional and me being consistently right. *insert winking emoji here*

My problem with the sequels has never just been one of the quality of the movies. Yes, they range from dire (The Phantom Menace) to slightly less dire (Attack of the Clones) to least dire but still awful (Revenge of the Sith). Yes the acting is ropey and the script is at times incomprehensibly dull, but if we’re honest, the original trilogy wasn’t exactly filled with Oscar winning performances. It had charm though; something the George Lucas proceeded to systematically remove from every further iteration of the franchise with a team of animators and a bank of computers until he sold up and out.

It’s not like I don’t understand it. I get it, I really do. It’s his vision, his story and his world. He can, of course, do whatever he likes. The prequels were intended to bring what we’d all been imagining to life and you’d hope run nicely into our beloved original trilogy. Who wouldn’t want to see the Clone Wars? The rise of the Sith and the fall of the Jedi Order? The birth of one of the most iconic cinematic villains of all time? Who wouldn’t want to witness the intense political debate and posturing that comes with a planetary siege and trade embargo… wait, what? Even without all the horrendous and flagrant racial stereotypes masquerading as aliens, that’s pushing it for me. I want Stormtroopers with bad aim, Lightsabers that defy conventional physics and rambling pseudo religious mumbo jumbo please, not a rehash of the Miner’s Strikes in space. I could have probably forgiven all of that but for one thing; a portmanteau that ought to strike fear into the hearts of fanboys across the globe.

He retconned the originals.

Retroactive continuity. Changing accepted details in an existing canon with details in a newer part of it. Simply put, he wrote a set of scripts so contradictory, that he had to go back into his original movies and change stuff to make it fit. Anyone else feel like that might be the stupid way round doing things? Like it might have been easier to watch your own damned movies again and make sure you weren’t just writing drivel? No? Just me? There’s enough in there to have me spitting feathers for a week, but there are some absolute crackers.

Obi Wan doesn’t seem to remember owning a droid.

If I were R2D2 at this point, I would be pissed. One of the very first things Ben Kenobi says in Star Wars is that he doesn’t seem to remember owning a droid. Despite R2 saving all of their lives at least once, being his personal astromech droid for the almost the entire prequel trilogy and apparently being the only blue and white R2 unit in the universe, ever. With a big gold protocol droid as a travelling companion. On the planet he first met them. In the ownership of the son of the protégé that you left limbless and chargrilled on a lava planet. With a message from the secret twin sister of the aforementioned Kentucky Fried Bad Guy. Seriously? Are we expected to believe he just straight up forgot, or is it an elaborate coping mechanism for him being the shittiest Jedi mentor ever?

While we’re at it; Darth Vader LITERALLY created C3P0.

I’m genuinely struggling with how astronomically stupid this is. I guess in fairness Darth Vader has no shits to give about his old protocol droid now he can Force Choke people into productive decision making, but really? You’re going to crowbar The Universes Most Recognisable Droids into the story like this? It makes no sense whatsoever, other than Lucas got a worried call from the merchandising department who were concerned that trade disputes didn’t lend themselves to exciting action figures. They would have been right.

Midichlorians.

Apparently it’s not enough for someone to be naturally gifted with the Force, they actually now have to be infested with millions of religiously significant parasites. “Even Master Yoda doesn’t have a count that high” opines Obiwan. Well I’m glad we sorted that out scientifically, I’d have been hard pushed to get on board with the idea of The Chosen One otherwise.

Leia remembers her Mother looking sad in Return of the Jedi.

Except not any more she doesn’t because her Mother dies just after childbirth, and I don’t care how chock-full with Galactic Sea Monkeys you are, nobody has any recollection of anything from when they were 30 seconds old.

Luke’s Father wanted him to have his lightsaber when he was old enough but his Uncle wouldn’t allow it.

At this point I’m at very real danger of simply degenerating into a stream of four-letter-invective. The only thing Luke’s Father wanted by the end was some Aloe Vera and an inexpensive set of prosthetics. Which he kind of got, so good for him.

And, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you one of the most Jimmy-rustling, toast-burning, apoplexy-inducing moments of utter stupidity in basically any movie anywhere ever. Except maybe Prometheus.

Boba Fett.

Boba Fett is really only a bit player. He has about three minutes of combined screen time throughout both films he appears in. He is remorselessly cool though and has a massive cult following. It made perfect (merchandising) sense to have him or someone like him in the prequels so we get a brief little origin story where his Dad is the genetic template for the clone army, gets beheaded by a Jedi and boom! Everyone in the universe suddenly has to worry about being disintegrated just a touch more than usual because of childhood trauma. The family Fett was played by New Zealanders (Temuera Morrison and  Daniel Logan specifically) and in order to cover his obvious short-sightedness, Lucas actually re-released the super special, ultra, mega, über version of Empire Strikes Back with Boba Fett’s lines re-dubbed in a Kiwi accent. Unfathomable.