Anti-consumerist rhetoric aside, I assume you're all full of an assortment of fine wines, craft ales and artisan confections so while you're waiting to pass out some time before the Queen's speech it seems the perfect opportunity to settle one of the most contentious and divisory cinematic debates of the last couple of decades. What could possibly cause such a ruckus, you might ask? Deckard being a replicant? Was Inception all just a dream after all? Why does anyone let Zack Snyder keep making movies? All enigmas in their own right, to a certain extent, but all pale in comparison to the following conundrum:
Is Die Hard actually a Christmas movie?
What seems like a fairly straightforward yes or no answer seems to have split the population almost right down the middle. I've never seen people get so vocal over what is essential a completely trivial argument, but then that's the beauty of opinions I guess. There will be those of you out there who both disagree with me, even in the face of incontrovertible logic (OK, maybe incontrovertible might be a bit much, but of course I'd think that) and you're welcome to have your stance on the matter. Anger in a Man Suit isn't a dictatorship, it's not 1984 and Thought Crime isn't quite a thing yet; you'll just have to cope with being wrong on your terms. I jest, of course. So without any further ado, my answer to the riddle of all riddles...
No. Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
This assertion tends to be accompanied by a sharp intake of breath from previous experience, so my apologies if you just inhaled a Brussels Sprout and are now in the agonised grip of a loved one desperately attempting the Heimlich Manoeuvre lest Christmas be ruined forever by your untimely passing. Similarly, if said news comes as confirmation that you're no longer alone and your frenzied whooping woke your Grandpa and now you're going to have to listen to a bunch more stories you've heard every year since you can remember, then again sorry.
People who think Die Hard is a Christmas movie generally tend to defend their opinion in three distinct ways, which I intend to bash in due course:
1) It's set at Christmas and has Christmas songs in it
2) It's about a man trying to reconnect with his family, what could be more Christmassy?
3) It's always on at Christmas/I always watch it at Christmas!
Let's start at the top shall we then?
There is no denying that Die Hard is indeed set at Christmas, nor is there any denying that there are Christmas songs in it. What you really have to ask yourself is whether that makes a blind bit of difference to the movie. Imagine for a moment that it was set at literally any other time of year; height of Summer, mid Autumn, the wettest, crappiest part of Spring. It wouldn't make a single iota of difference to the plot. John McClane could be travelling to meet his ex wife for literally any reason; her birthday, a child's birthday, just because he fancied not being a dick for a day, wouldn't matter. You'd lose the little pun that he scrawls on that dead guy's jumper but as cool as that bit is, pivotal it is not. Same with the Christmas songs. None of them are intrinsic to the story and if they weren't there you wouldn't miss them. It's a fairly poor argument really, because other movies are set at Christmas but don't get the Die Hard treatment. Gremlins isn't considered a Christmas movie, it ends up in horror more often than not. Just for the record I don't rate Home Alone as a Christmas movie either for the same reasons. Look at it the other way round: you take the Christmas setting out of Miracle on 34th Street or The Santa Clause and you have nothing left.
Die Hard is not really about a man reconnecting with his family, that's straw-grasping at its finest. It might very well be about a man trying to save his family, but not in a metaphorical "finding the Christmas spirit in all of us" bullshit way, more in the actual, literal sense of trying to save them from terrorists. It's a heist movie, a cop thriller, an action movie of the highest order. That's the central theme, not the heart warming tale of a man reuniting with his estranged loved ones over plum pudding and an exquisitely roasted Turkey. Also, don't get me wrong, I love the Die Hard franchise. Well the first three at least, everything started getting a bit ropey after that.
Last but not least, the classic gambit of when you watch the movie. I think this is probably the least convincing argument there is even though people seem to tend to leave it for last like some sort of weird coup de grace. When you watch a movie is completely irrelevant to its theme. I mean utterly irrelevant. Getting picked 256th in the NFL draft sort of irrelevant. Even Channel 4 have got in on it with a meme proclaim it's not Christmas until we see Hans Gruber fall off the Nakatomi Tower. Yes, I find nothing quite puts me in the festive mood like watching a man plummet hundreds a of feet to his inevitable death, even if he is a criminal mastermind. I could watch Das Boot every Christmas if the urge took me, would that make it a Christmas movie? Definitively not, are you kidding me?
Here's the thing. Christmas movie or not, if you want to have Die Hard as part of your Christmas tradition, you go ahead. I used to have Coco Pops for breakfast every year (this year will be the first without them because my pancreas is still and will forever be a dick about delicious sugary treats) but you'd struggle to find anyone who'd call them a Christmas cereal. It's a great movie, a great action movie, a legendary movie. It just isn't a Christmas movie.
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